Let me try this again...
05/05/10 03:51
... I've realized that I've gotten away from writing blogs and journals and all that because I feel like that I have to post it up on the internet when I finish... and then I have to deal with the fallout of whatever I write...
... I wonder if I would have blown apart my relationship even if I had just kept journals the way I did for all those years before the internet was the internet... when the world wide web made you think of spiders and not every fucking bit of digital information on earth...
... so much of what goes wrong in my world has to do with my neurotic belief that people (friends, fans, strangers... etc) actually care what the fuck I'm writing about... or need to know... and I think I have to live up to some impossible higher standard so I can have some insight into the human condition that no one else has... so I can somehow prove my points to the world... prove I'm right... prove I'm worthy of accolades and forgiveness... even if I'm full of shit... words would somehow save me and I would be venerated by just speaking my mind and unburdening my heart...
... I realize now, more than ever, that to be a writer you have to be somewhat delusional...
... it's strange to sit here and think about how many of my relationships have come to an end or to some chaotic culmination because of something I wrote... diaries, songs, journals, letters, screenplays, novellas, novels, emails... I wonder how many words I have typed or handwritten in this lifetime???... I wonder how different my life would be if I had chosen not to... I wonder if I'd be happier?... or if I'd have children?... or if I'd be famous?... or dead?...
... I wonder what my life would be like if numbers did the things that words do to me...
... I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't feel the need to vent at 3 o'clock in the morning...
... I wonder what my life would be like if I was able to censor myself to myself...
... that's why it's hard now... because back in the day I would write all these journals and stories and poems and unless I trusted someone enough or someone decided to do some snooping... all the words would just end up hidden away... in notebooks and then when I felt like it was time I could go through and rewrite... and edit... or leave something out... or remember to put something in later... and then I'd self-publish them as little books of poetry or novels... it would take months or years... but I was able to make sure that names were changed to protect the innocent... and salvage relationships... and basically give or sell them to only close friends and family... or hardcore fans...
... somewhere along the way though... the game changed... it became possible to litterally write whatever the fuck you wanted and instantaneously post it up for the world to see... instant gratification... instant humiliation... instant participation with anyone and everyone...
... suddenly everything I wrote was for an audience... and slowly I started forgetting to write for myself... to write anything and everything... truth without consequence...
... everything I wrote had a consequence...
... and I'm not gonna lie... I have written things and posted them up... and then gotten the call or the email from someone I care about... telling me how much my words had hurt them or offended them or was just too much information... so I immediately deleted it...
... I always thought that was kinda cowardly of me... but I also know that I don't want to hurt the people I care about with my words... or my songs...
... and that has always made me wonder if I was a true artist...
.
.. but lately I'm realizing that it's okay if I don't won't to hurt someone I care about... and hurting someone for art's sake is bullshit...
... and I started writing again... here and there... but the hope is that I will be writing every night... and most likely will not put it up on the internet...
... cuz as my old buddy Jon Tomilson, so aptly put... my problems are really just bullshit compared to what most of the world is dealing with... I have "1st" world problems... and I cause most of them myself... everyone falls in and out of love... everyone questions whether their doing the best they are capable of in their life... everyone worries about dying and what happens next... everyone has some sort of health issue... relationship issue... job issue... everyone questions the powers that be at some point... everyone feels alone at some point...
... human nature is natural...
... so I'm gonna do my best to keep my drama to a minimum and try like hell not to hurt the people I care about...
... and let you know when things are good...
... and when the problems I think need to addressed need to be addressed...
... but I want to be happy... and I want you to be happy...
... and I don't want to instigate... unless it's instigating change for the better...
... and I don't want to talk about love....
... but I'm gonna... when it's time to...
... in the meantime I'll try and let the music do the the talkin...
... and let my actions speak louder than words...
... and forgive and forget...
... so that I can remember all the little things that I stopped paying attention to...
... and maybe I can get it right this time:)