28 March 2010
for real for real
29/03/10 02:37
... it’s strange for me to think how little I care for this island at the moment... ... it’s strange to feel so disconnected from a place that I love with all my heart... ... but it makes sense I suppose... ... for two years this island has equalled Stephanie Vincins... ...which meant... there was always a bright clear light in the dark sea of chaos Key West has to offer... it meant... that no matter what I was loved... and I had friends... it meant that there was always someone who would fight for me... and stand up for me... and be my social surrogate when I went all recluse... and inspire me to get up and stand up and seek out the sun and the waves even when I wanted to crawl in a hole... ... but there is something in me that is broken... at the most basic level... something I’ve spent my whole life trying to fix... and have yet to find a way... ... I was thinking today, of a letter Dan Millen (Mindflow guitarist) wrote to me after he was asked to leave the band... because I just didn’t see Mindflow becoming the band he wanted it to be... but, of course, we were young and bands are families and he was properly pissed... and so wrote me this letter... and it was angry and hurtful... but I honestly don’t remember anything specific..... EXCEPT... that I clearly remember his writing that I would “never be happy”... because there was something in me that just would never let me be... ... and I wasn’t really sure what made me think of the letter until I started kinda backtracking in my mind... and thinking that was always kinda Steph’s stance... whether she ever said it that bluntly or not... in the past few months it was definetly what she was thinking... in the end the ennui took over and would not let go... and I lost something beautiful... but... so it got me thinking more... ... cuz I talked to Delphine for the first time in a VERY LONG TIME last week...(Delphine who I loved madly 10 years ago... and lost to distance... and cowardice... and lostness... and all that damn worry and sorrow about life and carreer and making it...)... and at the end of our conversation... she asked me “Ton... are you happy?”... and my mind raced... cuz I don’t know when or if I will ever talk to her again... (because she’s happy with man and child (phoebe)... and has a life that has turned out well... and I don’t want to interfere)... and my slowing synapses kept popping backward and backwarder... trying to remember the last time I could truly say I was happy... cuz I wanted to tell her I was happy... cuz I honestly want to be happy... and I wanted her, more than anything, to be able to hang up and smile and think of me happy... and all I could give her was silence... and I felt myself tearing up on the phone... trying to explain that I am fine and I am strong... and the songs and the music that I write will somehow save me from the sorrow... ...I honestly believe that... ... (but for what it’s worth... I sat down and thought about it after I hung up and realized just how many happy moments I have had in the past few years... (sit down sometime... on your porch... or anywhere safe and in the sun... and think about it... it’s amazing how many you come up with;)) and how many of those included Steph... it’s funny cuz in the early days of a break up... you always seem to remember all the bullshit of what went wrong and terrible moments and anger and the AAARRRGGGGHHHH!... which sadly keeps piling up between she and I in our day to day lives... stupid texts, emails and the fucking horror of facebook... but I know... and she knows... that there was a time when we were beautiful... and we were happy... I distinctly remember us happy... in Key West... in Barbados... in Love...) ... so tonight I am writing... for the sake of writing... for the sake of happiness... the joy I’ve had and the joy I lost... and the joy that’s on the horizon and is mine for the taking... ... Key West equals nothing to me at the moment... (I have said this numerous times before though...)... so there is a part of me that gets that this is part of the process... ... of moving on... ... not gonna lie... I can’t say I won’t be leaving soon... because I feel like I need to... ... and I can’t say that I am not dissapointed, dissillusioned, disconnected and genuinely done with Key West... ... but again... part of the process... ... whether I leave Key West or not... ... I already know that I’ll be back sooner than later... ... cuz I may not be happy... but I am a survivor and I am a forgiver.. ... and Key West belongs to me as much as I belong to it... Dear Del, Just so we’re clear... I am not happy... but I’m happy for you... cuz I owe you some... and you truly deserve it... Dear Steph, Just so we’re clear... I am not happy... but I see that there was a time when I was when I was with you... maybe one of these days we’ll find our way back to the end of the rainbow... Dear Dan, Just so we’re clear... you are right (for now)... but there’s gonna come a day when I prove you wrong;).... ...for real for real... Sincerely, Tito |